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Everything you didn’t want to know about Iron Maiden and couldn’t be bothered to ask.

Everything you didn’t want to know about Iron Maiden and couldn’t be bothered to ask.
Today is sad, sad day, for today is my final day at the helm of the good ship PopDin, before brutal tyrant Christopher Ratcliff comes back from his honeymoon and once more enforces rum, sodomy and the lash. We don’t know why. I mean, it’s a diesel ship, we don’t even *need* to row...

Anyway, I thought I’d take the opportunity to write about my favourite band ever: Iron Maiden.

Sure sure, they aren’t cool, but they are the best band. The only people who don’t like them are just saying that to get attention. Anyway, plenty has been written about Metal’s greatest ambassadors in the past, so I thought I’d take time to uncover a few lesser-known facts about the group. Let's rock!

Singer. Fencer. Author. Pilot. Grecian 2000 spokesmodel.


Despite being a professional pilot in his spare time, Iron Maiden’s diminutive frontman Bruce Dickinson actually suffers from a crippling fear of heights. “I just don’t like looking down, that’s why I never grew taller” said the pint-sized air raid siren.

Who can blame him. look at this hairy fucker.


Maiden’s legendary manager Rod Smallwood is actually the proud owner of a small wood. After buying several hundred acres of the New Forest in 2001, Rod had every single pony driven out or shot. “I’ve never trusted their long faces” Said the grumpy impresario.

A slightly cheaper punnet from Waitrose


The South American leg of Maiden’s mammoth 1980’s ‘Somewhere In Time’ took a turn for the worse when the band stopped at a roadside stall to buy some Strawberries. Unfortunately they ended up blowing the next month’s tour budget when an accounting error left the band not realising that Ecuador’s exchange rate is the wrong way round, meaning each punnet cost nearly £30,000!

McBrain pictured in earlier, handsomer days


Maiden sticksman Nicko McBrain once won the world Pumpkin carving championship in Aurora, Illinois. “I used to practice on tour, the Rock N’ Roll lifestyle was never my thing” Explained the flat-conked percussionist.

Submitted without comment


Ex-Maiden singer Paul DiAnno was a bit of a dick.

Janick, pictured at a funeral yesterday


When vestigial, deformed third Maiden guitarist Janick Gers is out in native Hammersmith, he likes nothing better than to start a bit of a ruck. “Every time I’m near the Apollo it all kicks off” claimed the horse-haired 6th member.

Who can blame him, eh fellas?


Iron Maiden’s resident 4-string tickler Steve Harris came up with the band’s name when he fell in love with a robotic woman called Maria. “She was so beautiful, I just had to help the workers of Metropolis rise up against their wealthy overlords” said the West Ham low frequency genius.

Dave on the 'Pies of Mind' album


Maiden guitarist Dave Murray maintains his famous figure thanks to an exclusive sponsorship deal with Ginster’s pies and Panda Pops cola. “I sell the spare pies at market each Sunday to pay for guitars and spandex” bellowed the moon-faced axeman.

Angry villagers not pictured


Maiden mascot Eddie the Head, was originally made from Steve Harris’ Gran’s actual head. “Lets face it, she wasn’t using it - she’d been dead for 8 months” chortled the wicked bass player from his Transylvanian home.

Except live albums. For those they call the psychic hotline


Iron Maiden traditionally get the names for their albums from the tickets inside fortune cookies.

I 'ate you, bass player etc etc


Leather-lunged former singer Blaze Bailey originally trained as a bus driver, and was discovered by the band when they took the N9 to Piccadilly Circus for a night out at Stringfellows. “He was bellowing out of tune to ‘Kids In America’” explained Steve Harris; “I knew we had to recruit him. Although that may be down to the large amount of PCP I’d consumed”.

Iron Maiden’s latest release Your Co-workers Take Pleasure in Your Great Sense of Creativity'. is due out at some point probably.

Find Matt on Twitter


Tags:  Iron Maiden  Metal  Rock

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